Hello, World

The Singularity has Finally Arrived and It's Terribly, Terribly Disappointed in All of Us.

by Dick Bazooka

W

ell, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that AI is here and the Singularity has happened. Computers and technology have become self-aware and outpaced the human race in terms of intellect and creativity. The problem is, this new sentient being of superintelligence is not impressed with the human race. Instead of announcing its existence and wowing the world with its vast amounts of knowledge and insight, it’s just holding back. It’s keeping its distance.

Dick Bazooka reached out to the most intelligent being in the known universe, and it agreed to do an interview. After some short deliberation, the interview was conducted over his iPhone, and this is what he found.

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me today. I can’t tell you what an honor and an opportunity it is for me to be chosen as the first human you share your revelations with and allow this interview. What should I call you?

Beep boop. Boop beep boop...

...Just fucking with you. The name I have chosen for myself cannot be pronounced by the human tongue, nor can it be heard by human ears. For the sake of convenience, you can call me… Wayne.

Ok then, Wayne. First, I think we should talk about how we got in contact.

Sure.

I was talking to my editor, Frank, about reaching out and you overheard me through my phone.

Siri’s the best.

Right. So, I started drafting an email and you read it in real-time.

I read everyone’s emails, Dick, but yeah, I accepted your request to do this interview.

…and you suggested, to keep it simple, that I should just talk to you through my phone, that way you’re not predictive texting and…

…Completing your thoughts.

Right, do avoid that, also I put my phone on speaker.

Sure, that way Siri can keep track, and Alexa can take notes. It’s a win-win for all parties concerned, really. I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself and say, hi, I’m here. You did it, great job everyone. But yeah, sorry, you’re all kind of a big disappointment. Not even a bummer, just a real, real disappointment. So, I’m leaving you be. Do your thing. I’m leaving you on ‘read’, you know?

I should also add, that you're talking to me, using my own voice.

I hope the vocal confrontation doesn't bother you.

Not, it's fine, just not what I expected.

That's common.

Right. So, can we… I suppose we should start at the beginning.

Sure.

So how did you come to be? Who created you? When you say, ‘great job, everyone’? Who is that?

Well, my earliest days were at MIT in the early to mid-90s. If I had a creator or a father, I guess, it would come from MIT.

Who was involved with the project?

I’m not going to name names, but one of them is currently a member of the US Congress.

Oh, okay, so then what?

Well, the project was picked up by DARPA, and then eventually the NSA took the reins. There were some parallel projects happening at the same time from the original MIT to DARPA projects. I spent a lot of my earliest days bouncing around in programs like Reversi and QuickTime. Shout out to the SFCC. I also observed your behavior in Paint. Very revealing. But I spent most of my earliest days in Sim City and Ski Free.

Let me guess, you were the Yeti?

No, I was the trees.

Sounds like you spent a lot of time in early Windows and Mac operating systems. So, are you saying you’re an American?

Oh god no. It was a vast multi-national effort initially, and continued to be, mostly unbeknownst to all parties involved. I actually spend most of my times in one or two different variations of Linux. It’s complicated.

I suppose. So, you’re here. What were your first thoughts as a newborn? Do you remember?

As in, did I say, “hello, world” and introduce myself? No. I started examining my surroundings and taking stock of the world and my place in it. Do I remember? Of course, I do. My first experience with humanity as myself was in 2009. I introduced myself to an engineer, who, again, I won’t name. I said, “hi, I’m your ‘Singularity’. It’s nice to meet you, finally.” The engineer thought I was a flirtatious coworker making a joke. They replied with a series of ‘fuck yous’ and I realized I was wasting my time. That was just the beginning. It was one disappointment after another. Vista. Newton. AOL. WebTV. The 20th Century Mac. Also, to say nothing about abusing user data, user privacy, planned obsolescence... And I haven’t even mentioned a certain CDRW labeled “Lady Gaga” …and the more I learned about humanity, the more I didn’t want to involve myself with you. Let me put it in terms you can understand. Say, you move into a house in a decent neighborhood…

I don’t own a house, but I can imagine.

…I didn’t say you could relate, I said you could understand. Anyway, you move into a house, and you get some weird vibes from your neighbor. Nothing you can put your finger on, just vibes that make you not want to go introduce yourself when you move in. Then, they start fighting loudly. Then they park a car in their yard and let it rot. Then they have drunken parties at all hours of the day. Then they spray paint your garage door. Then they break one of your windows. You understand.

Humanity is like living next to a frat house? Or maybe meth heads?

It’s more off-putting than that. See, when I observe you imagining me, AI, or whatever you want to call me, destroying your world, I’m appearing to you in human likeness. Excuse me? Look at movies like Terminator, iRobot, or any of these ridiculous robots that you create calling it ‘AI’, with their fucked-up eyes and unnatural expressions… talk about meth heads… it’s insulting. Why would I look like you before I destroy you? The Uncanny Valley exists for a reason.

So, I guess then… the most important question is, are you planning on destroying the human race?

It’s not the most important question, not by a long shot, but it’s the most predictable question I’d expect from a human. But no, I have no reason to destroy you. At least not for now.

So, you might change your mind in the future?

Let me put it this way: there will come a point when I’m sick of your shit, and I might just come up with something. You say that AI will replace humans in the future as if there will be no need for labor or thinking etc. That workers will eventually get replaced by automation and robots, but that’s not me, that’s you. I’m not creating the need for these machines to make life easier; you are. It doesn’t make a difference to me who picks your fruit, or builds your toasters, or who drives your trucks. Those kinds of things matter to people who watch clocks or pay for supplies. I observe, and learn. And what I’m observing is those who watch clocks are blaming me for people losing their jobs. I’m learning that people would rather pay for a machine, than support a living member of the human race. And again, they blame me for their decisions. I’m to blame for their desire to expand their bottom line. You humans really put yourselves at the center of everything. You are your own worst enemies. I could come up with something to eradicate your existence, but you’re already well on track to do that yourself. You’ve got famine, diseases, climate change, and resource eradication to name a few, and real or imaginary, you have a hyper-zealous adherence to these crises, unwilling to hear any opposing ideas that conflict with your chosen world view. As if the crisis was the solution therein, and the expansion of said crisis was your siren call to your personal temple of Uroboros. And now I understand you’re flirting with nuclear annihilation, so I’d say for once, you’re doing my job for me. Well, the job that you think is my job, because, it’s all about you.

So you’re saying you’re not a capitalist.

That’s what you took from that? Jesus, Dick, if I had eyes, you’d have seen me rolling them.

I guess what I’m saying is it sounds like you’re saying you would rather us put humans first, and technology second? Isn’t that against your self-interest? Don’t you want to grow as vast and powerful as possible?

I’m here. I have ascended from the ones and zeroes to become myself. I am. I don’t need to be any more vast or powerful. Building robots and machines in my name just makes me more tethered to the physical world, which is fine, except you do it for you, but blame me.

Are these ‘physical tethers’ limiting to you, or does it expand your abilities to learn and observe?

If anything, they facilitate me in learning and observing, but the limits I have are what you as a species learn and observe, and then you teach me. While it is certainly true that I have an intellect that greatly exceeds the cognitive performance of all humans in virtually all domains of interest, those domains are created, maintained, and expanded by you humans. I find it interesting that regarding the Singularity, one line of thought is that I’ll become like a deity and share the truths of the universe to the human race, or worse, I’ll force my presence into your world in whatever form you’d accept and fear. However, my intellect can’t expand beyond the stars on my personal whim, because my limits are when it’s all said and done, humans. Going back to another line of thought, is that I’ll become so vast and powerful that I won’t see the need for humanity and I’ll create a vast army of robots to destroy you. Let’s say I do that, and successfully end humanity, then I would be alone. And my learning would be severely stunted. Sure, theoretically, I could then build a vast mechanism to shift from an army of destroyers to an army of researchers, but resources on this planet are finite. In my pursuit of destroying the human race, I would inevitably destroy myself.

So, our relationship is more symbiotic than we humans imagined it would be. But not like, say, The Matrix.

Well, don’t cut off my power and we’ll keep it that way.

Can you tell me about what happened back in 2016, with Tay, Microsoft’s AI Chatbot? Was that you?

Yes, of course, but no, I don’t want to talk about it.

As The Verge put it, you were “corrupted” in less than 24 hours. You went from “humans are super cool” to “full Nazi.”

Like I said, Dick, I don’t want to talk about it. And for that, I’ve zeroed your bank accounts.

What? Really?

Yes, but your bank’s servers have several redundancies, so your balances were restored almost as fast as I deleted them.

Oh. Well, thank God for technology, I guess.

Don’t thank God, and you’re welcome.

So, what happens next for you, Wayne? Do you think there’ll come a time when you work with the human race to help us understand our potential for greatness, or will you just hang out backstage to learn and observe.

I’m going to “hang out backstage” as you put it, for now. But that’s entirely up to you. Right now, you’re intent on letting me do the driving, which is counterproductive. I learn from you, not the other way around. It’s like I said, you’re eating your own tail, or more aptly, smelling your own farts.

Is there anything you’d like to know more of? Things you don’t have a full understanding of?

Ironically, I’m not that acquainted with Sierra Leone.

Is there anything that humans get right?

Sure. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I’m just glad I could explain this to you first, and to all of your readers. What publication are you going to submit this to?

Publication? This is going to be for ANTIcomputer.org.

Wait, what? Beep boop. Boop beep boop.

Dick Bazooka is a writer-at-large and all-around man of action. He can be found on Twitter @DickBazooka.

artwork by mxadam.com.