As Per Our Last

A concerned email from a cool manager. Heavily redacted. Probably never happened.

by ANTIcomputer Staff

From: (b)(6)                                              

Date: Friday, September 30, 2022 at 10:25

To: (b)(6)                                    

Subject: Returning to in-person work at (b)(4)                              , (b)(4)               Campus

Bro I know you’re holding strong and staying home but I was just talking with (b)(6)             and new shit has come to light and we should probably talk about it.

It’s been almost three years since the start of the pandemic and a lot of people here at (b)(4)                               are still apprehensive about returning to the office. Some say it’s the cost of the commute, or they don’t feel safe, or they don’t feel valued, blah blah I know.

Management is really keen on us selling their idea of returning to a more traditional setting; the office, the cubicle, the break room, etc. They’re adding new incentives like more personal days, some mid-day happy hour crap, and they even fixed the old foosball table. Not to mention some really insulting shit like additional "(b)(4)                        bucks" that you can spend on garbage like company swag. Can you believe they made a lunchbox with our fucking logo on it?

I know you’re not thrilled about this. You’ve gotten used to living in your pjs and working out of your kitchen with your cat. Word is, the (b)(4)                        team and (b)(6)             have made it clear that the company is leasing out this massive space and they want to fill it with bodies. Living bodies.

They also didn’t fail to mention the myriad of businesses that rely on the offices full of bodies, such as restaurants, cafes, parking attendants, public transportation peoples, etc. I’m surprised (b)(6)             didn’t mention local drug dealers.

Which reminds me, (b)(7)(B)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     . Seriously, if you could hook me up, that'd be great.

Anyway, I know some part of you is missing the culture and by culture I mean you miss the camaraderie and cohesion, not to mention the gossip and the politics. But hey, if you would rather work via wifi and video conference than in person, I get it. Plus, I know, your four-legged office mate doesn’t talk shit, but they do leave it for you to clean up.

It looks like what we talked about earlier is actually happening: those who are on site are the first to get looked at for promotion. You wouldn’t believe that (b)(6)             is getting the (b)(4)                        position. It’s not just because (b)(6)             does a good job at kissing ass, it’s because (b)(6)             is around to hear it.

Remember, It won’t take long for managment here at (b)(4)                               to realize that if they can pay people to work from home, they can pay people to work from Sri Lanka for a lot less.

So please give it some thought and squeeze back into your adulting clothes and head in.

Or you could just quit.

Let me know what you decide,

(b)(6)                                              

Lead Product Marketing Manager, (b)(4)                                   , (b)(4)               Campus

(b)(4)                   (b)(4)                                  

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